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If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate books.Alan King
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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.Alan King
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If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.Alan King
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.Alan King
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There's a charm, there's a rhythm, there's a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, 'You're doing a Jewish act.'Alan King
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My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'Alan King
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again, ' and drank it. The nurse fainted.Alan King
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I learned to cook in self-defense. My wife doesn't know what a kitchen is. In the first month of our marriage, she broiled lamb chops 26 nights in a row. Then I took over. I used to mind her not caring about food, but no more - as long as I can eat what I want.Alan King
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My wife is a very attractive woman, and she's always worried about her diet. But she doesn't pay attention to me, and I don't pay attention to her. She's a vegetarian, and it drives me crazy.Alan King
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That's the great thing about New Year's, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasn't such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time. When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That's what the trees are all about.Alan King
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Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.Alan King
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.Alan King
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Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend, ' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?Alan King
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My mother's sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.Alan King
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Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.Alan King